


Keep On Keeping On

by Amyliana



Category: Original Work
Genre: Empathy, F/F, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Lesbian Character, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 18:52:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9398438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amyliana/pseuds/Amyliana
Summary: A collection of poetry I've written over the years, true to my actual life. These are all very heartfelt and honest. I just felt like sharing them, so here we are. Most of these are sad, as I haven't had the easiest life. But I think they're good and you should give them a try. Just humor me.Title is a 'Southernism,' a phrase often said here in the southern states of America. It means keep on going, even when you don't feel up to it. Just keep going.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: self injury, depression, contemplation of suicide, abusive relationships, addiction, refugees fleeing from war, eating disorders.

 

* * *

 

Empathy  
_(Reaction to[TED Talk: Poems of war, peace, women, power, Suheir Hammad](https://www.ted.com/talks/suheir_hammad_poems_of_war_peace_women_power))_

I felt grief and I cried, oh I cried.

My eyes are still leaking, still stinging.

Am I speaking in poetry?

An accident of empathy.

 

The first words touched my soul,

Made my heart soar in hope – defiant hope.

That maybe the world will heal,

That maybe the world will love,

That maybe the world will know peace.

Defiance in the face of anger and violence.

But I do not fight fire with fire,

I fight fires with soothing waters –

At least, I want that to be true.

 

But I grieve – I grieve for the broken and the trampled,

Those torn by war:

The second, the refugees…

Second only in order, never importance.

They are the hated,

The stigmatized,

The beaten and broken and spit upon.

I mourn with them, I feel their sorrows,

And I pray to God that maybe it will stop –

Oh please God end the suffering,

Give us hope.

 

Children, mothers, daughters, brothers:

Broken and bleeding, from their bodies and their souls.

Refugee hearts:

Ignored at best, violated at worst.

Refugee souls:

Full of pain and empty of hope.

 

I want it to stop,

I want it to heal,

I want the pain to be washed away by an all-consuming love.

But I fear that will never happen.

 

* * *

  

Lust

 

Beautiful women

Bodies entangled

Sweating, moaning, writhing

Whispers of love

Nails raking across skin

Bolting upright in bed

The sudden realization

It was all a dream

 

* * *

 

Brother. Sister. _  
_ _(In loving memory of my brother Paul. This one is from what I imagine could be his point of view, speaking to me. Paul was the other half of my soul, my spiritual twin. He was fourteen years older than me but we were closer than if we had been born twins.)_

 

I miss you with the same

Longing as if it

Has been one hundred years.

I know you miss

Me even more.

I can see

The waterfalls pouring

From your sad, brown eyes.

 

We will never see

Each other again

Not while you live,

For there is dry, packed

Dirt above me, forever severing

Our being together.

 

Six feet of land

Separating

Our physical forms.

No, I will never see

Your glowing face

For as long as you

Live.

 

You will never hear

The loud, hearty laugh I have

The one that sounds like

A happy child

In his youth.

You will never inhale the scent

Of old shirts left

Folded in drawers for far

Too long.

 

But we will always

Be best buds, two peas

In a pod, like we

Always were.

You and I, 

We always wanted

To fly together,

To be birds,

Flying free.

 

What sick irony it is

That while I fly,

You are caged,

Stuck in a place

You cannot escape.

It isn't fair, is it,

That we couldn't fly together,

That we have to be

In another world

To be truly free.

 

Though my body is

Six feet under,

I still love you

With the intensity

Of a thousand burning suns.

I know you miss me

So much it hurts,

And I miss you

The same.

 

Though it is abysmal,

Though things are dark

And gloomy, lonely and

Agonizing, no matter

How broken and

Pathetic you feel,

Take comfort, dear sister,

We will always be

The best of friends.

And when we finally

Meet again,

We will fly,

Together.

 

* * *

 

O Brother, Where Art Thou?  
_(In loving memory of my brother Paul)_

 

I miss you more

Than I wish I was dead and

That sure is saying something

But I know

You’ll never come back

Even if you wanted to

It’s impossible when

You’re six feet under.

 

Sometimes I wish I was dead

So I could be with you

I always wish you never died

Sometimes I think that

It should have been me

Instead of you.

 

And you have no idea

Just how much this hurts

But I must go on

I must go on without you

 

And it doesn’t hurt just me

It hurts all of us so bad

Our close-knit family

Is now torn apart

At our shared loss.

 

I don’t know why God

Took you away from me

My dearest friend

My beloved brother

I will always miss you.

 

I know that you’re happy now

But now I’m torn and

Broken without you

But I won’t die

No matter how much

I want to.

 

I miss you so much

It kills me

To write this

But I love you

And I need you

To hear me

 

I won’t say goodbye

But this is me to you

I’ll love you forever

And I miss you.

 

* * *

 

Need to Bleed

 

I’m a mess, I’m a wreck;

An addict of the most taboo.

Self-inflicted nightmares;

I can’t escape myself.

Even though it hurts,

It sometimes even kills -

I still,

Desperately,

Just want to watch the crimson flow

From self-inflicted pain.

Disaster that I am,

Of the highest pedigree,

Sometimes all I want

Is a blade across my skin.

You tell me that I’m crazy -

I say the blood’s just therapy

To get me through this hellscape

That most would just call ‘life.’

It’s not a wish to die

Not usually, that is.

It’s just a crazy desperate way

To keep my heart from stopping.

 

* * *

  

Italian Boy

 

I always thought

You were the one

That I wanted

You were the boy

Of my dreams

Smart

Witty

Sarcastic

What didn’t I love?

 

You were beautiful

In that manly way

The kind of boy

A girl should seek

A boy to make

Her family proud

 

I should want you

 

Remember our battles?

Our battles of wits

When I was defeated

More often than not

I had to wonder

If there was something

Wrong with me

 

But then it hit me

Why I always lost

Why I didn’t really

Love you enough

To try

 

It wasn’t that you

Were better than me

It was that I

Don’t like boys.

 

* * *

 

Control _  
_

 

Hey there, sweet girl

My naïve, innocent darling

This is Spencer speaking

Thought you could get rid of me?

Though the doctors tried to help you

With prescribed pills and therapy

I’m too strong for you

I’m the voice in the back of your head

Reminding you that you’re not good enough

You’ll never amount to anything

Everyone hates you

I’m the only one who loves you

You need me

And I’ll never leave you

 

* * *

 

Hatred

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Get out of my head

I still hate you

You wanted into my bed

I didn't want you

 

You said that you loved me

I know that’s a lie

You had a malevolent gleam

When I was the apple of your eye

You were always cruel to me

I hope you die

 

* * *

 

Freaks for a Freak

 

Every dark, cold, empty night

I see things you

Can never ever see

Pale, translucent, eyeless people

The walls shudder

In the presence of them

But no living being

No solid, fleshy person

Ever wants me near

So my only friends are here

Every single night

My ghostly spirit friends

Embrace me in their grasp

 

* * *

 

Ache

  
  
Sometimes I feel

Too deeply to breathe.

Sometimes I think  
  
The ache inside will never leave.  
  
It’s so real, inside  
  
The stone in my heart  
  
Weighs me down  
  
Keeps me from really  
  
Living. Breathing. Functioning.  
  
I know I need to get over it,  
  
But it’s so hard to even move.  
  
Sometimes I can’t cry,  
  
And my body aches to bleed.  
  
I’m always falling,  
  
Falling apart,  
  
Not worthy of even  
  
The dirt on your shoe.  
  
I pray to God  
  
That maybe  
  
Just maybe  
  
My agonies will stop.  
  
This is not  
  
A way to live,  
  
But I can’t help myself  
  
Out of this dark hole,  
  
To stand again  
  
On my own two feet.

 

* * *

 

Scratch Cut Bleed

 

Scratch scratch scratch  
Go the lines on my belly belly belly

Wish that I could cut it all away ‘way ‘way  
But I’m stuck with all the fat fat fat

I can never seem to stop stop stop  
Shoving food down my throat throat throat  
It would make anyone else else else  
Sick sick sick  
  
But when I bleed bleed bleed  
I can breathe breathe breathe

Instead of purging purging purging  
I turn to my blade blade blade

What you don’t know know know  
What you’ll never understand stand stand  
Is there’s an ache inside side side  
I have to cut it out out out

When you are worthless worthless worthless  
You have to scratch scratch scratch  
To make it all stop stop stop

When I scratch cut bleed  
I’m alive

 

* * *

 

Whisper to a Scream  
  
(toxic father-daughter relationship)

_______________________________________

 

Always

_He was always so angry at her_

**She was always so angry at him**

_He was always so disappointed in her_

**She was always so upset with him**

\--- --- --- --- ---

In the Beginning

**She would do something wrong**

—They would talk—

_He would be condescending_

**She would become enraged**

_He would patronize her_

—They would fight—

**\--- --- --- --- ---**

Interlude

_He wanted her to be perfect_

**She wanted to be free**

_He thought she would always make mistakes_

**She thought she was inferior to the world**

_He couldn’t stop patronizing her_

**She couldn’t stop hating herself**

_He knew she was a failure_

**She knew she was a failure**

\--- --- --- --- ---

After

_He would tell her how wrong she was_

**She would fight back**

_He would yell at her for attacking him_

**She had to take it**

_He would storm off_

**She would destroy something**

\--- --- --- --- ---

At the Finish

_She would find more faults_

_She would think she was fat_

_She would think she was stupid_

_She would think she would never be good enough_

_She would think everyone was better than her_

_She would think being gay was wrong_

_She would think she would always be lonely_

_She would pick up her bag_

_She would carry it to bed_

_She would lock the door_

_She would hide in her closet_

_She would sob_

**She would pull out a knife**

**She would pull out a lighter**

**She would pull out a thick metal wire**

**She would cut**

**She would burn**

**She would feel better**

**She would drug herself**

**She would sleep**

\--- --- --- --- ---

Tomorrow

**She will wake**

_He will wake_

—They will go through the motions—

**She will go to school**

_He will go to work_

—They will come home—

**She will mess up**

_He will sigh_

—They will get upset—

**She will attack him**

_He will attack her_

—They will fight—

  
 

And she will attack herself.  


 

* * *

 


End file.
